Some thoughts and any advice??

 

so, I am in a very interesting position in my life. I HAVE ABSOLUTLEY NO IDEA WHAT TO DO NEXT.

I have spent the last year and a half working very hard on my masters in teaching.

now I have almost completed the program and I do not, for the life of me, what to leave these boys and go back to work.

I can't do it. I actually feel like it's physically impossible for me to do it.

oh, I had big plans of being the working mother. I pumped myself up, told myself and everyone I know that I could do it.

I tried to be one of those moms that said, "i'm a better mom when I work."

but i'm just not that type of mom.

honestly, I wish I were.

then I could help our little family out. make us a little extra money.

Derek is right, we need me to work at this point in our lives.

i sort of have an alternate plan. that plan is called: continue on in school and get my doctorate so i can eventually teach college, while gaining LOADS OF DEBT in the process.

this would allow me to stay home for three more years.

we have a friend, a lifelong friend, who introduced Derek and me.

she currently teaches college and she is urging me to go ahead and complete my education by getting my doctorate.

she wishes she would have done hers when her son was little. because now, she is working and getting her doctorate and she says it is very difficult.

she says the debt will be an investment, and will buy me a few more years with my kids, at which point they will be 5 and 6 and will be going to school.

THEN i can start my career.

but is that foolish?

am i being a baby?

i know not many people read this little 'ol blog...but if you have any advice, will you give it to me?

i have prayed and prayed. and i guess i just need to leave it in God's hands.

but i can't figure out the difference between "don't strive. leave it in God's hands. TRUST HIM." and "be smart. make a plan."

but really?? how can i leave these precious ones?

 

 

 

 

my boys: 18 months and 3 months

 

:Berkeley:

 

Berkeley is a down right joy these days. I mean, he is so fun! when I first had sam, Berkeley went through a little feisty stage. I didn't know how to discipline him best and things were kinda crazy. however, he's gotten kind of used to our routine, and he just likes to have fun!

he gets a little upset when the days get long and it's too cold to go outside. especially since he's been sick (just a cold). but other than that, being his mama is wonderful!

we're just LIVING for summer over here.

I get the privilege of getting Berkeley to sleep each night. we go to sleep together in the guest room and Derek gets sam to sleep. hey, it works. and it solved the problem of me missing Berkeley so much because of all the time I was needing to spend taking care of sam. now, it's like we're bonding as he cuddles up close/kicks me in the face as he sleeps :)

when sam gets hungry Derek comes and gets me and then i'm on sam duty! then Derek gets to go sleep with Berkeley.

here's the deal. I was doing some research on co-sleeping and I read MANY facts that made me a fan. but one of them was that for parents that work (Derek) it is a way for the child to bond with them, even though they aren't actively interacting. I thought that had to apply to me too, even though i'm here most of the time, i'm busy with sam a lot. so now Derek and I both get to bond with him.

Derek and I know without a doubt that in the very near future we'll be sleeping in the same bed again. this is just what works for right now.

Berkeley is having a difficult time gaining weight so we try feed him constantly...even if the choices aren't the healthiets, hence the picture below where he picked out every single marshmallow from the lucky charms.

 

I had a teacher fair to go to the other day and NEEDED to straighten my hair. but in order for that to happen....this mess had to happen. it kept him busy, so I was cool with it :) 

 

if he misses his afternoon nap, this happens. cuddling on the couch (while watching ellen, haha. he loves to watch them dance on that show, plus I think it's hilarious)

 

in the mornings he wants to read EVERY SINGLE BOOK in the house while cuddling in the bed. I use this time to drink my coffee and ease into the morning. it works out brilliantly for both of us.

 

 

 

:sam:

my sam boy. I love him so. we like to cuddle a lot too. I try my very hardest to get up with him before Berkeley wakes up so we can have some one on one time besides just nursing.

it breaks my heart some days when i'm so busy with berkeley that I don't get to hold him much. I used to hold Berkeley non-stop when he was tiny. oh well, guess that's how it is for the second child. and that's new to us since Derek and I are only children.

 

 

Sammy sammers has been a little sick :( but still so precious. he's just a chill kid.

he has started cooing and smiling his straight across little smile. it kills me :)

once again, I don't have too much to say about sam besides that I love him. baby babies don't do a whole lot, which I had already forgotten in just 15 months!

 

 

I do need to say that being a mom to two is very hard for me sometimes. I HATE not being able to give them both my 100% attention. the guilt just piles on all day and by the end of the day all I want is for Derek to be home so each kid has their own parent :) I know it's unrealistic to think I need to give them both all my attention at the same time. so that's why i'm praying god will teach me how to balance it all, making sure both boys feel loved.